Better Late Than Never, eh?

I started this post on Monday, but I got busy and never finished it. So, it’s rambling and has lots of parentheticals and I don’t know if the two halves really go together, as they were written several days apart, but here it is!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Aaron has been busy most evenings and weekends working on projects for classes so I’ve had a lot of time to myself. And while having too much time to one’s self can be dangerous (I’m an overthinker. Too much time thinking can cause various kinds of spirals.), I’m finding ways to keep myself occupied and I’m getting better at avoiding the blues. This is kind of a breakthrough to me.

As I have mentioned, we are looking at  some big changes in our lives in the next year or so and while that is daunting, it’s exhilarating as well. One of the things that will be happening, if all goes as is planned, is that I will be moving off on my own for 5-6 months while Aaron finishes school. I’ll be taking the cats and I’ve got some childhood friends in the area that we’re looking at (the Seattle area of Washington). But if I’m not capable of making use of those lonely hours and not getting bummed, like I had been, then being on my own for months was looking like a bad idea.

But, thanks to the magic of college, I’m getting to “practice” having massive amounts of time alone. (Yay…) To be honest, I was getting a little worried. Ever since the health problems and resulting diagnosis of the summer and my grandfather’s death in the fall, I haven’t really been feeling like my old, (mostly) positive self. But here lately, I’ve been trying (and mostly succeeding) to focus on positive, constructive things instead of being passive. And let me tell you, the changes so far, though small, have been profound.

All the health nonsense, stress from work and losing my grandfather, on top of my already fragile self-esteem, left me feeling pretty bitter and powerless. Plus there’s the stress of having to make BIG, GROWNUP DECISIONS that will alter the course of our lives. All of that had been weighing on my mind in every moment of alone time and I responded in one of two ways. I would either worry myself into a state of despair (despair spiral) or do something mindless to help me ignore said soul-crushing despair (sloth spiral). Then, in either case, I would feel bad about either the sloth or not being able to handle the stress (shame spiral). (I have a thing for ______ spirals.

So, now instead of indulging in self-loathing or laziness, I’m learning to find something else to do–something that doesn’t come with the previous feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I bought a ukulele and I spend a lot of alone time playing and learning new things. (I love my ukulele! But I forgot her name…) I’m also spending a lot of time getting educated about health and fitness and that makes me feel better as well. As Witless Exposition alluded to in a comment on my last post, there’s a lot of unfounded (i.e. not research based) blame and assumed causality involved with PCOS that if I hadn’t taken the time to do my own digging, could have lead to a very dark, guilt-filled place.

So, in short, I’m learning how to use my time alone in a constructive way and improving myself at the same time.

The future looks awfully bright when you don’t focus on the shadowy bits!

ALONS-Y!!

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About Melme

Can I have some coffee now, please?

Posted on April 7, 2011, in Life, Me, Musings, Stress. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. FIRST! … k now that that’s out of the way, I finally read your blog the same day it was posted. :) In reference to your post, I’m usually the same way when I don’t have a lot to do. My apartment can get lonely when I’m not up the majority of the night working on school crap. So I feel ya dude. BTW … what is “ALONS-Y”.

    • I can imagine, especially without even a kitty to cuddle with! You should get one! (KIDDING!)

      And as far as alons-y is concerned, is your googlecom broken? ;-P (I want to see if anyone else gets the reference before I reveal it.)

  2. Even though I’ll miss everyone we love, this place can burn straight to Hell as far as I’m concerned. Some things never change. This place is most likely one of them.

    Let us go out into the black. We’re still free. They can’t take the sky from us.

    • Hmm… (WITH NO IMPLICATIONS WHATSOEVER) “They can’t take the sky from us.” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “They can’t take the sky from me.” ;-)

      And I hear you, love, the sky is calling. Let’s just hope the black doesn’t make us bibbity, eh?

  3. You know sometimes it’s nice to NOT have to look up answers for oneself. No my Googlecom is just fine, thank the Lord. Without it Id’ve been up spit creek the last few days ;)
    [REDACTED by Melme] reference, my friend. :D
    btw I’ve been goin on about 4 hrs of sleep/night since Sunday. Hence the laziness in research. The next evolution is a fully functional … ish…. database app due in 2 weeks. Perhaps I’ll blog about it when I get home … unless I pass out first. ;)

    • Tisk, tisk, Marty! Are you trying to ruin my “nerd check”? ;-P (I edited your comment, btw.)

      I can imagine you’re worn pretty thin right now. Getting better soon?

  4. Totally not trying to make a plug here, but after reading back a couple of posts I thought I would. I have PCOS that I have been dealing with for 11 years now. For the last 6 months I have been birth control free and only had one cyst happen during this time. In the last 6 weeks I started doing the T-Tapp exercise program and have noticed a huge difference in my hormone levels. Not as PMSy, not as depressed, and I haven’t been breaking out as much because the excess hormone that used to cause that is now getting used up and filtered out through the exercise and lymph system. On the website they have a few free exercises that all focus on your lymph system and hormone balance: organs in place/half frogs, awesome legs, diva derriere, and hoe downs. On youtube if you look up t-tapp ladybugs there is a much more difficult exercise that really focuses on hormones and was specifically designed for menopausal women to help control their hormonal imbalances better.

    Big hugs to you. Being apart from your guy is really hard. Sadly I’ve been there. If you ever want to talk feel free to drop me an e-mail.

    (You could always pick up World of Warcraft. Hours go by and you never even realize it. hehe)

    • Thanks for the info! I read about the progress you’ve been making with t-tapp and I keep meaning to look into it. I joined a website called SparkPeople that completely rocks my socks as far as building healthy habits, goal setting, motivation and oodles of other stuff, but they don’t really have a specific exercise program. I’ve been doing cardio and tracking calories and all that, but I intend to start working on muscle tone and stuff soon, so I will be looking into t-tapp.

      Also, I played WoW for over three years, but after cata dropped and I was working on my third 85, I lost interest and quit. And while I have to admit I occasionally hear the siren’s call of WoW, but I actually uninstalled this time and I don’t think I’ll be going back. But it’s all good! :)

  5. All I have to say is…you play the ukulele. That’s so cool. lol.

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