A Furious Rant: The “I know” post
So many scattered thoughts, but it’s late and I should be in bed, but sleep eludes me. And I’m sure we all know that the harder you try to force sleep, the more slippery it becomes.
I know I can’t be the only one to feel this way. Every day I am more aware that this isn’t what I want from my life but every day I’m stymied by how inadequate and powerless I feel. I know that the future stretches before me like a new, sunny day. Bright. Full of promise and opportunity. But I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark, groping for the light switch or waiting for someone with a flashlight.
I know [now] that I don’t want to teach… The longer I’m in the teaching game, the more I feel it isn’t for me. There is an immense pressure in education to give your life to teaching that I’m just not feeling. For all the good that it does, it’s just a job to me. I don’t feel “called” to it and I can’t see devoting my life to it. It is the season that I’m in right now and that is all.
I know that this would definitely be a problem for my employers if they were to know and because of it I feel like a fraud. And I know I’m not the only one that is teaching because it pays the bills but I only know me and my heart and my exhaustion at playing the part. How much longer will it be before the zombie that I feel like becomes the zombie that I am?
I know that I’m a good teacher or that I would be if I was given the chance to prove it. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I’ve never been okay with giving less than my best and I know I am and I know there is nothing I can do about it. But I also know that even though I can do it, doesn’t mean that I want to or even that I should. I know this, but it changes nothing.
I know that I should be happy. I know that I shouldn’t complain. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and people that love me. I know this, but it changes nothing.
I know that my supporting us is only for now and while I feel no bitterness about it, I do get overwhelmed by it sometimes. I don’t tell anyone. I know I should, but I don’t. I know this, but it changes nothing.