Monthly Archives: May 2010

A Furious Rant: The “I know” post

So many scattered thoughts, but it’s late and I should be in bed, but sleep eludes me.  And I’m sure we all know that the harder you try to force sleep, the more slippery it becomes.

I know I can’t be the only one to feel this way. Every day I am more aware that this isn’t what I want from my life but every day I’m stymied by how inadequate and powerless I feel. I know that the future stretches before me like a new, sunny day. Bright. Full of promise and opportunity. But I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark, groping for the light switch or waiting for someone with a flashlight.

I know [now] that I don’t want to teach… The longer I’m in the teaching game, the more I feel it isn’t for me. There is an immense pressure in education to give your life to teaching that I’m just not feeling. For all the good that it does, it’s just a job to me. I don’t feel “called” to it and I can’t see devoting my life to it. It is the season that I’m in right now and that is all.

I know that this would definitely be a problem for my employers if they were to know and because of it I feel like a fraud. And I know I’m not the only one that is teaching because it pays the bills but I only know me and my heart and my exhaustion at playing the part. How much longer will it be before the zombie that I feel like becomes the zombie that I am?

I know that I’m a good teacher or that I would be if I was given the chance to prove it. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I’ve never been okay with giving less than my best and I know I am and I know there is nothing I can do about it. But I also know that even though I can do it, doesn’t mean that I want to or even that I should. I know this, but it changes nothing.

I know that I should be happy. I know that I shouldn’t complain. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and people that love me. I know this, but it changes nothing.

I know that my supporting us is only for now and while I feel no bitterness about it, I do get overwhelmed by it sometimes. I don’t tell anyone. I know I should, but I don’t. I know this, but it changes nothing.

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News post: No photos today…

I’ve been thinking that I might be lessening the amount of posts each week and changing Photo Phriday to either bi weekly or monthly. In any case, no real blog post today. I’m not feeling too hot and I really can’t think of anything to write about.

Sorry! See you next week!

Protected: Where’s MY light at the end of the tunnel?

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I promised myself I wasn’t gonna cry!

Endings, while often good, are hard. This week we say goodbye, not only to our spring crop of graduates, which is always bittersweet, but also to one of our teachers that meant a great deal to me. She was my mentor teacher last year and if it hadn’t been for her, I probably would have been tempted to throw in the towel long before now. Her dedication and drive have been an inspiration to me and I will miss her dearly.

Goodbye, my friend. You will be missed.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha… ::hack:: ::cough:: ::cough:: ::wheeze::

No, I don’t actually have a cough. But I’m supposed to get one by the end… Fun.

I didn’t go into work today… The last couple of nights as I’ve been trying to fall asleep, I’ve started wheezing and my breath has kind of rattled and whistled its way out of my throat. The first night I didn’t think anything of it, because, as I’ve mentioned before, I have allergies and weird breathing stuff is kind of par for the course. But last night, I took some time to actually pay attention to my body and I noticed that while I was feeling congested, there was nothing in my throat… It had to be something in my lungs. Scary.

And, of course, my manic brain leaped to the worst possible things… I’ve got pneumonia and I’m going to die in my sleep… I’m developing asthma and I’ll never be able to do anything fun ever again… And so on and so forth. After a fitful night’s sleep, I called into work this morning and later called my doctor to make an appointment. (Just FYI, I hate going to the doctor so for me to decide that it’s necessary, it’s gotta be bad!)

The funny thing about all of this is that usually when I have anything wrong with my respiratory system, there’s a lot of coughing or a sore throat or something, but this time, nothing. Cue more worry.

The doctor’s visit was painless, even though my usual PA was out today and I was seen by someone else. Diagnosis: Bronchitis. Yuck. She explained everything that was going on in my lungs and prescribed an inhaler and cough syrup FOR WHEN THE COUGHING STARTS… (-_-) That’s right. The inhaler is supposed to do its magic and loosen all the crap in my lungs and that crap’s gotta get out somehow. So expect coughing… Joy.

Finally, before we were shuffled out the door, she gave me a coupon for “up to $50 off” of the inhaler. Score!

So, Aaron chauffeured me to Target to get a going away present for one of the teachers at my campus which was great cause target is awesome and I found two different sizes of Preserve cutting boards (recycling 4tw!) but sad too since my mentor teacher from my first year teaching is leaving. Then we went to WhichWich and Aaron totally made my day when he started singing an augmented chorus of “No one mourns the wicked” (from Wicked) to his “Wicked” sandwich (pictured above)! :D

Then off we go to the grocery store where we always get our prescriptions filled and I ask for mine. The guy takes a while to find it even though I can see it from where I’m standing (not a good sign, but I let it go) and when he brings them over, I hand him the coupon. Remember the up to 50 bucks from earlier? Good. He looks at it, front and back, reads it a little and hands it back. I quirk an eyebrow at him and he explains something to the effect that “since your co pay is less than 50, this isn’t going to do anything.” Uh huh… Someone’s never used a coupon before… I replied that “I think” (trying not to be condescending) that it means that it will take care of up to 50… He gives me a doubtful look, but when I don’t back down he says he’ll “try it” and see what happens.

We wait for a few minutes while he goes over to the machine and fiddles with it. He comes back with a chagrined look and tells us it worked. We get it for free! I tried to act surprised, but may have failed and Aaron was just looking at him like he was an idiot. In the end, I only paid ten bucks for the cough syrup and nothing for the inhaler. Score indeed!

Le Sigh…

As we begin the "last" week of the school year, we are still under the horrible filter that doesn’t let me go to any blogging websites, but luckily, I still have access to my email. For today, anyway. :P

Next week we begin our summer semester that will take us through to August. Usually, if last summer is any indication, we see a lot of our Fall/Spring students fall off the face of the earth and we get a new crop of students that didn’t graduate in May to work with. It’s always interesting and always challenging. Summer is when we get to work on students fresh out of high school and (if all goes as planned) break them of the habits that held them back in high school. If we can’t achieve that, we at least hope to be able to help them pass and help them graduate.

Wish me luck!

Phantastic Photo Phriday: Part Eight!

Today is a mixed feelings kind of day. It has been an awesome day, but at the same time, it is the last day off I have until August. But what can you do?

First thing this morning, Aaron and I went to the outlet mall that’s about half an hour away. The key to any outdoor activity in South Texas is getting it finished before the sun hits its peak, otherwise it’s way too hot. We were a little sad that the half price bookstore was gone, but I was super happy to find that one of my favorite stores was having a 40% off sale and I found a bunch of new summery clothes. It’s always fun to see this on your receipts:

I bought more than I usually would have because of the sale prices and the fact that I just got paid, but I'm always in need new clothes! :)

After that, we went to a dollar store because a) what day out shopping is complete without a jaunt to the dollar store and b) because it’s the only place that has a certain kind of candy that Aaron loves:

Seriously... Some times I wonder if he loves the candy more than me... ^_-

And what trip to the dollar store would be complete with an obligatory look around the store for hidden treasures? Like bargain panties:

Or piñatas (Why does the sun look angry?):

And what author doesn’t aspire to grace the spinning rack?

And who wouldn’t want a singing, fishing donkey? :D

And lastly, I was actually tempted to buy this one (you can’t see it, but it lights up!):

And that concludes this weeks Photo Phriday! Have a great weekend! :D

I probably shouldn’t post when I’m sleep deprived…

Or sleep depraved, either, which seems more apt somehow, but doesn’t make sense. I thiiiink…

As if it wasn’t apparent enough to me that I didn’t get enough sleep last night from the fact that it is taking no small amount of concentration to type (Seriously, it’s like trying to walk when you’re falling down drunk… Not that I’ve ever really been falling down drunk… It just seemed like an apt analogy… Oh, look! I’m writing a whole blog post in “half circles”! Bad me… Bad! I really should get back to the real post… All I have to say is: Thank God for muscle memory!), for some reason the “Publish immediately” text to the right of the text box thingy just amused me much more that it should have…

I mean, really, wordpress. What in the world could be soooooo dire?

Must… Publish… IMMEDIATELY… ::GASP:: ::CLICK:: There… The world is safe… I can die in peace now…

ELLIPSES!!

So, I’m already struggling not to giggle at the little scenario that’s playing out in my head so that Aaron doesn’t think I’ve lost it and one of the cats makes an odd noise as she jumps onto the couch and I erupt in giggles… And my World of Warcraft stealing husband DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE! Couple that with the fact that I woke up Three Dog Night’s “Black and White” in my head and you’ve got the materials for a very interesting morning. If you wanted it to be, anyway.

I really didn’t know that Three Dog Night did “Black and White”… I think I always thought with a name like Three Dog Night (I TOTALLY JUST WROTE THREE DONG NIGHT!!) that their music would have been more badass for some reason, but looking through their music, I know a lot of their songs. Actually, I know a lot of them enough to sing along with.

And, being the generous soul that I am, I fully intended to embed the song into this post, but it wouldn’t work. I’m sorry. I tried.

I think the giggles have subsided and now I’m just hungry and my eyes are all burny and stuff and we have no eye drops because Aaron hates them the way that I hate nasal spray and I’ve been too lazy/don’t need them very often and I’m really regretting that right now.

Oh, look! Kitties!!

Elliot under the futon... CAT BUTT!

And Molly hanging out by their awesome homemade cat condo. (i.e. A box with holes cut in it.)

Manic energy fading…

I need to go lie down now…

Guest Post: Fear and Punching

Note by Melme: Today’s post is a guest spot by my wonderful husband Aaron over at The Star-Crossed Writer. We were both kind of agonizing over what to write today and decided to swap. So, go check out my crappy excuse for poetry and then peruse Aaron’s backlog. He’s really very good. And with no further ado:

I’ve been thinking about what it means to be alive, lately. When I was a kid, I didn’t have to think about that. Every day was filled with simply living. So why is it that with age comes questions? Questions like “What am I doing with my life?” or “Will this cheeseburger really kill me down the line?” or “Should I shower today?”.

I didn’t have to worry about the cheeseburger, for starters. They were delicious. Something that delicious could not be bad for you, or so I thought. About 180 pounds and 20 years later, I’m not so sure anymore. Showering also, was a non-issue. I could go at least a day before I smelled like outside. Now, I take the extra time to lock the door and BAM! I stink of dirt and grass.

The biggest of those questions is also the one that is the most stupid. What am I doing with my life? I’m living it. I have a tendency to feel guilty about not living each day to the fullest, like I should be out bungee jumping over shark infested waters while simultaneously juggling newborn puppies. Man, what a rush! God, how fucking scary! I’m not scared to live, but I refuse to let someone else dictate just what that means.

Most of my life has been governed by fear. Fear of failure, fear of what others think, fear of being myself. To truly live life, one must abolish fear. Only then can we really begin to see what it is that makes us happy. With that being said, I think I need to take a shower before my wife gets a whiff of me. I’m afraid she’ll punch my arm. Again!

It’s raining cats and dogs!

Ah, what’s not to love about being jolted awake by thunder and a terrified, meowing cat? O_o I’m just glad we decided last night we weren’t going to go to the outlet mall.

Not that I don’t enjoy sitting in my living room and listening to the sound of rain, it’s not exactly what I had planned to do today. Oh well, we’ll make the best of it! :)

I have a confession to make. While it’s no secret that I’m a bibliophile, only recently I’ve gotten hooked on audiobooks. They’re great for the daily commute and they leave my hands and eyes free to do important things like play spider solitaire! Plus, I can load them onto my mp3 player that I always have on hand anyway so I don’t have to worry about carrying an actual book with me everywhere.

I started listening to them when I first got the materials for my reading class. It included some paperback/audiobook sets that I decided to try out to see if they would be any good for my students. I started listening to them in the CD player of my car and while they had an annoying reading coach (which, by the way, is an awesome feature for the students) I found myself getting lost in the stories, just like I did with physical books.  I’ve never understood why people don’t like to read because when I read, it’s like a movie playing in my head. I SEE what’s going on. To the point that everything around me fades into the background.

So, I was hooked and after I finished all the books for my class room (Cause I had to test all of them… FOR SCIENCE!) I didn’t know what to do because there was no way that I was going to get through my commute with no books to listen to… So, I priced them… My jaw was on the floor. Thirty to forty bucks for a BOOK?! I was crestfallen. There was no way I was paying over twenty bucks EXTRA just to have a book read to me. It was back to music in the car. A sorry substitute. :(

I made due for months, subsisting on the (VERY) occasional bargain bin title that I could find. Which, by the way, Kurt Vonnegut’s Armageddon in Retrospect read by Rip Torn. Fantastic! But with each bargain purchase, I found myself chaffing, because, let me tell you, pickings are slim on that horrible table and it takes at least half an hour to find anything halfway decent. So, I hit the web and I was amazed to find that there were subscription based websites out there. :D

After I shared my good news with Aaron and was met with a standard “You didn’t know?” I subscribed and I get my fix once a month…

Now we come to the confession part… I think that having my books read to me while I just lie back and enjoy may be having an effect on my consumption of “real” books. Really. This has never happened to me before. I mean, I do have lulls in my appetite for reading, but I’ve never gone this long without getting engaged in a book. I’ll usually bounce from book to book waiting for that “catch” and then little by little all of the books that I’ve stockpiled get finished. But this time around I’ve got four or five books that I’ve gotten a chapter or so into and then lost interest.

I’m sorry books… We’re breaking up. It’s not you… It’s me. :-(