Twitchy Itchy! [Another Flea Update…]
or “Oh Lord! People Must Think I’m a Crackhead, I’m Scratching So Much!” Also, my eyes jerking randomly to check the floor and myself doesn’t help, I’m sure. Also, also, I’m sorry to be posting about the same thing twice in a row, but when you’re entrenched in combat there is little time to think of other things.
This morning, upon arriving at work, I glanced down at my gray pants to find an army of fleas storming the keep, so to speak. UGH! Seven or eight fleas were slowly making their way up my legs. I leaped into action, pinching the little bastards from my trousers, gathering three or four between the thumb and forefinger of each hand. Using the back of my hand, I dispensed some ultra high tech suspension liquid* onto my desk and released my prisoners into it, then killing them at my leisure**.
I then rushed to my supply stealthily*** closet, grabbing my industrial sized can of specialized flea immobilizing and debilitating spray**** and spraying the hell out of anything on the floor that a) was jerking creepily on the floor toward me or b) small and black. The enemy must have had some sort of defensive shield because I was soon hacking and coughing in a cloud of my own weaponized spray.
Around me, though, the bodies of my enemies twitched and jerked in the pools of death. For good measure, I destroyed their bodies with my deadliest of weapons: my own hands. The battle is won, but just like the Great Ant Invasion of 2004, I am sure the enemy is regrouping and will redouble their efforts.
The floor is littered with the crushed corpses of my enemy and I feel nothing*****.
The weapons of my warfare:
*read: it was hand sanitizer
**read: pinching their little heads off as fast as possible
***jerking and scratching and looking for all the world like a huge crackhead
****generic disinfectant… Kind of like a more noxious, school approved version of Lysol
*****Except for itching