Not Dead (Yet!)
What a week! Not only were we testing all week, which is unbelievably exhausting, but due to random fluctuations in the weather, my allergies have been a royal pain the entire time. But that’s over and done with, thank God! The allergies have mostly normalized, though I’m still a little sniffly and stuffy and soar throaty.
Which reminds me… What I’m about to relate my shock my more sensitive of readers. (Pause for dramatic effect)
My loving, wonderful husband…
…TRIED TO KILL ME ON FRIDAY!!
I know!! I was too.
He claims that he was trying to help me but I saw through the charade! For a while now, we’ve been having this debate about nasal spray. He’s a user (shocking, right!) and I’m on the side of justice. Demon nasal spray must be annihilated!! He claims that it is painless and helps him breathe, but I know that’s just the brainwashing talking. I remember what it feels like to inhale liquid up one’s nose! I’ve done it enough times to know that it hurts like hell and causes almost instantaneous headache! I KNOW THIS!
When I got home from work on Friday he had bought me allergy meds. Sweet, right? This is why the next part shocked me so terribly. He also bought me nasal spray!! AND he expected me to use it!!!
After a bit of back and forth this is how the argument discussion went down (abridged a little for expediency and because I’m lazy.):
Me: Nasal spray is evil!
Aaron: It’ll make you feel better.
Me: Inhaling liquid sucks! Why would I do it on purpose?!
Aaron: It’s a mist. It doesn’t hurt.
Me: ::unbelieving glare::
Aaron: I use it all the time.
Me: I know… ::betrayed glare::
Aaron: Geez!! Just try it!
Me: Inhaling water HURTS! I used to get water up my nose in the pool all the time! It’s NOT FUN!
Aaron: That’s just because of the chlorine.
Me: And at the beach?!
Aaron: Salt water.
Me: So, if I inhale PURIFIED WATER from a JUG it won’t hurt?!? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?!
Aaron: ::sigh:: Will you just try it? It’s not even the medicated kind. It’s just saline and menthol!
Me: ::reading label::
((And this my friends is the horrifying part. My husband is trying to kill me!! The second ingredient: BORIC ACID! WHAT?!))
Me: THIS HAS BORIC ACID!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! My dad used that stuff to kill fire ants! And roaches!
Aaron: (Monotone) Yes. I’m trying to kill you. I took out a huge life insurance policy and I want that money.
Me: I knew it! I’m telling everyone! ::grabs phone and starts texting:: Nothing kills roaches! And you want me to INHALE something that kills roaches?! HA!
Aaron: Feet kill roaches!
Me: And do you want me to inhale FEET now?! Is that what you want?!
Aaron: Are you going to do it, or not? I could really use that money.
It goes on. I’ll spare you.
In the end, I caved and inhaled the toxin. It burned and triggered a sneezing fit. Yeah, that felt much better. It’s only a matter of time now. I leave this as record of the attempt to poison me. If you do not hear from me again, Farewell my friends!